Internal Struggles (Part 2) 

I ran into a coworker I haven’t seen in a while today. And much like everyone else at work, they all looked at me with determination to wanting me to stay and with such intense curiosity as to my choice to live in Jersey. “You should fight for your job here at XXXX” “You have so much going for you, I know many folks your age who don’t have it as well as you do” “I’ve seen smart people like you gain it all and lose it, only to struggle to get back to where they were.” All great concerns, all things I’ve thought about. I have so much going for me here.

I have security. I have a home to live in. I have people I love around. I have a network of people who can help me. I understand the culture around me. I know where is safe, where it isn’t. I know what I can do on a weekend. I know this area. This all too familiar area. To leave it all, would be foolish. When he addressed all this to me, it made me realize…

I have lost my focus lately. I have lost my way. When he spoke those words, I forgot it all. I forgot why I was going to Jersey… why there? Why now? I’ve completely lost focus on what mattered. Instead, I got angry and frustrated looking for a job, being left out at work, having to say goodbyes. I don’t know why I’m feeling that way, the air has changed at work. The pure fact that I was being let go, has made others angry/depressed for me. I hate seeing the look on their faces, how sad they are to see me go. I wanted to forget all those negative emotions and have fun. That’s why I went out drinking with them. That’s why I went out on a date with him. That’s why I asked to go to his house. I wanted to forget it all for a few nights. No matter how much I talk with people at work, with people I trusted, I still felt terrible at the end of the day. In fact, talking with everyone made it worse. All they would ask is… “Why Jersey” “What’s there for you…” I couldn’t tell anyone the reason why… because they couldn’t understand. How much easier life would be if everyone knew Christ… because it was so difficult having to give them a “logical” reason to go other than God is leading me to. And now here I am questioning if I really got the calling, if God was really leading me. Did I want to go to Jersey for myself? Or because God said so… Did I make a move prematurely?

I realized that, I wasn’t going to feel better because I wasn’t filling the hole in my heart with the right pieces. Drinking, talking, gossiping, flirting, being promiscuous wasn’t the solution. Only God can lift me out of this slump. Only God can take my anger and frustrations. Only He can heal my broken heart to be leaving all that I know. And I pray to have that Trust in Him that I’ll be okay wherever I go. I want to make sure I’m going to Jersey for Him and not for myself. I want to be a vessel for Him. So I will go wherever He calls me, be it Jersey, Haiti, Japan, China, or Africa. I’ll drop it all.  All these familiarities, all these safeguards, all these secure opportunities if He tells me to leave it all. 

Luke 18:22 - So when Jesus heard these things, He said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come follow me.

How much are you willing to give up to follow Him? Will you be like the rich man? Will you say you have faith but fail to give up the one thing you love? To follow Him to the ends of the earth with nothing but the clothes on your back and faith? I’m willing to give up everything that I know, everything that I am familiar with, people I love, things that I understand… all for Him. That is who I am… I am His servant, His follower, His daughter. I will go and trust that He has everything ready and set. That I will not be lead astray from the truth and calling to places and people I am meant to be with. How far will you go?

Internal Struggles (Part 1)

To be tempted by the flesh. I did not quite really understand it until it happened. What was I thinking would happen when I went to his home? I knew exactly what I was getting into, yet my hatred to be home was stronger than my sense of reason. I am still safe, I am still here. I did not do anything I would have regretted later but that temptation. The steps I made to get to that point, all those barriers, all the stops, have been torn down. 

To be getting attention, to be desired, to be an object of affection… this is all new to me. It saved me a lot of heartache and pain growing up without having a boyfriend. Not to say I never wanted one. But I think a part of me knew that what I was looking for wasn’t going to fill the hole in my heart just because there was a man by my side. That was the gift God gave me; the knowledge beyond my years. But I still wept at night at the thought that no one loved me for me or as a woman.

But now here it is, at my doorstep. Men taking notice, grabbing my attention. I am human, I do want dating, flirts, and sex. But I can not give it up so easily. I’ve made it this far without having a man dictate who or what I was. I am still growing, and RIGHT NOW my innocence, or what is left of it, is a part of my identity in my life. Take that away and I’ll lose myself.

That is why I was able to resist. I did want it, oh how I wanted to just let it all go, all those barriers, all those stops, all those walls. But the desire to keep the promise I made to God and to myself was stronger. I went out that night, to see how far I could take it before I lost my sense of self. I even tried to let go but found myself unable. It has become so part of me, this attachment to my innocence. Although I most likely didn’t need to be in this situation to realize this, I do not regret going and placing myself in that dangerous position. 

I thank God that he did not pressure me into doing something I did not want to do. That he did not get angry or frustrated. That we’re still able to talk the next day as friends just as before. I’m sorry for using you as a way to make me forget all my problems for one night. I was so frustrated, so angry, so sad about everything. As boyish as I seem to be, I am still a girl. I get emotional, I still do everything that girls are notorious for… I wanted to forget it all for one night and I was able to because of you. But that wasn’t the answer I should have been looking for. I shouldn’t have found relief from the touch of your hands or from the weight and warmth of your body… I should have found it in the Lord. Because in the long run, He is more reliable and faithful and will always… always heal what aches my heart even before I know what ails it. Forgive me for using you… I pray that I’m able to return back to my normal self because I find myself losing control the closer and closer I come to my termination date and to you. I can’t avoid you… there are still 5 more days. I hope I did not leave a bad impression. I still very much like you and think you are a good man. I pray that God finds you one day so that you may experience that joy I receive from Him. Maybe then you could understand why I was able to resist you… and hopefully understand that my love for God surpasses any worldly and fleshly desires that comes in my life.

askalanwakenmrscratch:

Read More

Letting Go

My heart is sad. My soul is weary. I can’t get enough sleep. It pains to want to leave. Seeing everyone’s sad faces. They thought I would always be there. Life is always changing, always shifting. It was going to happen sooner or later. I guess they all thought it was going to be under different circumstances.

At some point, you learn to let go. To hold onto something too tight, you’ll end up killing it. I can’t stay here, I know it in my heart, in my spirit. It feels like a part of me has already left and is already missing what it has left behind. But  much like my last day in Haiti, no matter how much I loved being there, no matter how strongly I wanted to stay to help… it was time to go. 

I guess I’m sad to go for the same reasons why everyone else is. Everyone just started to become available. I just began to see people I haven’t spoken to in years. Only to prove that I still existed and have to disappear to another world once again. A chance lost, an opportunity flying away. That’s what it feels like. Never taking the time that I had to bond with everyone. We all thought there was time. But I knew deep down inside that this was not true. I should have expected it… and God did tell me. Yet here I am, feeling slight regretful and sorrow to have to go… But know that if I were to be here any longer, I would destroy something in the process of selfishly wanting to hold onto something intangible. 

I want to tell everyone to make this transition easier but that would be selfish. You have every right to be sad, every right to be angry, every right to feel whatever it is that you feel. I just hope you will continue to pray for me and keep me in your hearts. Because I love all very dearly and pray for the same to you…

Watch me make this step into my new life…and watch God’s angels give me flight to reach to the other side gracefully into His arm. 

The Gift to Speak

The gift to speak, the gift to know things that are not seen. That is what God gave me. I knew I could speak words that meant truth and hit it straight through anyone’s heart. But I refused to say anything because it was used in fear and anger. I hurt more feelings than healed.

A change has occurred inside me. Something strange. I instinctively know what to say when to say it. I know the right words, the right time. Actually, it’s more than that. I DON’T know preemptively… I just DO. 

I use to make people cry out of sorrow and tragedy… but now out of shock and pure joy. It’s a strange feeling watching it happen. Do my words have that much weight? And I say or do things so casually, does it really move you? That is not to be misinterpreted as something to mean less than what it is. What I say is the truth. But the surprised look on your face, you stunned reaction, makes me wonder…”Is the world just that cold? Or did I really say something that was exactly what you needed to hear?”

Either way, I’m happy to have this gift and delighted that it has incorporated its way into my daily life. I pray to be able to continue to brighten everyone day through this gift given to me by God and to help others in the only way that I am capable of…through their hearts. I love you all very dearly… never doubt that in any second in your life.